Standing Naked

Since I’m getting ready to send out an announcement that my book has been published, I decide to Google my book and see what comes up. I’m shocked to see that it is being advertised for sale by Langton Services in England for $38.70. Eventually I have the presence of mind to Google THEM and find that there are a million reviews about it being a highly suspect operation that just sends any order they receive in to Amazon and then they pocket the difference in price.

But what is relevant here is what instantly arose for me when I saw my book being sold in England. Suddenly the reality that I had really put my book out there where anyone anywhere could read it hit me. And immediately a whole compartment opened in my brain with a very old fearful program: had I revealed too much truth about myself? Would I now be judged harshly? Should I have protected myself more? What was I thinking when I wrote so openly about my vulnerabilities?

And once that compartment was opened, there was a whole cascade of fearful material. What would my conservative relatives across the country think of my “alternative” leanings? Had I just embarrassed both my deceased parents (not to mention myself) by revealing who I truly am? How had I forgotten what I put together growing up in the 50s in a small midwestern town – that it is safer to not be too different and if you are to not be too revealing of those parts of oneself. Would former friends across the country now be writing me off as a California crazy?

My mind began to relentlessly review what I had written, searching for the revelations that would bring on the imagined (or real) judgments I was now certain would come my way.

When I wrote the book, I wasn’t censoring for an expected audience. It was easy to sit, curled up on my cozy couch with a cup of tea and my laptop, trying to tell my story as honestly as possible – so easy that I wasn’t aware I was fearlessly breaking an old rule – keep the parts of you that are controversial or different or outside the box hidden and you will have fewer problems. I was emboldened by years of being a psychotherapist and encouraging people that the only way to have true intimacy is to courageously be real. So easy to do curled up on my couch – so challenging now that my book is out there for public consumption.

So how does one follow “The Fearless Way” when risking being real? I think it goes back to Miao’s teaching, “Letting go of grasping is letting go of attachment. Without attachment a natural fearlessness develops.”

I have to try to not be attached to how people view me or to my ability to control how people respond to who I am. I have to let go of my need to protect others by trying to be who I think they need me to be. I have to not be attached to any identity I think I have out there in the world. I have to let The Fearless Way take me on an adventure guided by  four words Miao suggested to guide me on my way: courage, trust, faith, surrender.

 

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